Below are the 20 most recent journal entries recorded in tubajunkie11's LiveJournal:

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Saturday, April 2nd, 2005
2:48 pm	what is next? I am so nervous on what is going to happen next i cant concentrate on what is going on at this point. I am so nauseus. I constantly feel like there is a rope tied all up in my stomach and my head is being bashed with a hammer. I constantly feel like I cant breathe and the world is absorbing me. I am making myself sick with worrying about the future. Where is my life going? I am so scared of the next month, the next four months, and the rest of my life beyond that. What is going on with Andrew? What is goign on with my job? Where am I going to work the rest of my life? Where is money going to come from in 1, 2, 5, or 10 years? I am making myself sick thinking about what is going to happen. I cant eat without throwing it up, I can't sleep at night, I can't hear my phone ring without my stomach tightening. I can't live my everyday life. Anxiety has a full grip on me and I don't know how to stop it. Current Mood: anxious (Comment on this)
Wednesday, March 30th, 2005
2:45 pm	ug i am nervous. my stomach is tight. i want to throw up. Current Mood: nervous (Comment on this)
Friday, March 25th, 2005
8:50 am	long time i havent updated in forever. i am pissed at society. I hate it that I ask everyone to go out and hang out with me but then i hear everyone behind my back asking everyone else to hang out. I guess it sounds petty but I am not important enough to call or to hang out with. whatever. going to frankfort to drop a body off and then the rents are down for the weekend. my brother is here all next week. should be a good time.... I am out....I hate school and my class..... Amanda Current Mood: lethargic (Comment on this)
Friday, March 11th, 2005
10:24 am	smells like beer i really fuck things up sometimes. really. sometimes i need to just get over some shit and move on with my life. damn. SPRING BREAK....time to work 50 million hours! I am out....later maybe? Current Mood: indescribable (Comment on this)
Tuesday, March 8th, 2005
10:31 am	boulevard of broken dreams ok so saturday i worked and it was really boring. i send my computer to get fixed tommorrow. Anyways back to saturday. i went to andrews and then we met val and darin at an arcade downtown ann arbor. we went otu to eat. then there was a VBABY out and andrew and i went back for some good times a his place. we woke up on sunday and went to midland to watch the sis play basketball and then went otu to dinner with the fam. we drove back and i watched tv while he did he homework and then i stayed the night again. andrew makes me so happy. i hope we can make things work forever. nothing feels better than rolling over and kissing him good morning. i had school and work yesterday. i am so busy and shizit this week. i want to sleep for hours. i have class al day and then some studying for midterm tommorrow. BORING. i hate the class i have today. sick. am i hungry or bored? Current Mood: bored? hungry? (1 Comment |Comment on this)
Saturday, March 5th, 2005
3:17 pm	wasted away again at margaritaville so last ngiht was fun. real fun. i worked my ass off on my feet from 12 to 1030 and then deceided that i wanted to go out with the ladies of alpha epsilon phi. i went downtown and met up with a bunch of them and then we went to the tunnel which is really scary. we went to bentleys which kicked ass. there was a really hoit guy there that i carried convo with but i wasnt sure if he was taken by one of the girls so i didnt go strong you know. and then i danvced like i never shook my booty. i drank. a lot. and then sarah wanted to leave so we left. i went with laura to margaritaville. we made the end and danced with katie and carrie a lot to kick ass songs like tiffanys "i think were alone now". it was fun. i drove home. i got there at 430 and slept and got up to go to work a hour and a half late and got here at 930. i am at work now and so tireed. i talked to andrew drunk last night. i have a wierd feeling about things. maybe he cheated....i trust him and i think he is better than that but i am good at guessing voices and his sounded liek the voice of a guilty party. maybe he is guilty becasue he didnt call me for a fucking week. i thoguht abotu pete last night. i dont know what it was that made me think about him but it was wierd thoughts. i mean i am not thinking about in him in the terms of wanting to be with him. i was just thinking about the past. it seems horrible that good times are just flushed away with nothign to show for it today. my hands are so cold i cant type. i wen to 711 a few minutes ago and saw jeannie. i stopped by her shop. kick ass flowers shop and jeannie. yeah pretty awesome. ok going to midland tommorrow to watch the sis play basketball. should be a good time. i am out for now. amanda Current Mood: tired (Comment on this)
Thursday, March 3rd, 2005
12:37 pm	even the wrong words seem to rhyme ok so what bull shit this week has become. i skipped classes yesterday for personal reasons. the teacher talked abotu me behind my back. what an asshole. i tried to call him out on it and he wasnt around. i will get him tongiht i tell you. andrew hasnt called me all week. i dont want to date a boy that cant put anythign into the relationship. i am not goign to put anyhting into it anymore. if he wants it to work he can make it work i am not tryign anymore. i hate my fing job. everyday is worse and worse. it sucks so so so so so so bad! i am so depressed right now. i called a million people this week to talk or hang out or somethign and no one called me back or cared to hang out. fuck you too. i am a fucking loser. i watched good movies yesterday. i dont want to get out of bed ever. i hate life right now. somebody kill me. Current Mood: lethargic (Comment on this)
Tuesday, March 1st, 2005
10:37 am	contract law = blow it out my ass just got done with my law midterm. went to dinner with rachel on saturday. fun fun. i studied with tom last night. went to his house. i hope andrew fucking steams in hell. he left a few days ago. he said he would call by sunday. he hasnt called yet. is it tuesday or is it just me? i am to the point where i am worried now. where the fuck is he. this isnt like him. i hate school. i amn going to quit my job soon. the thing is if i quit i dont get the free answers to the summer sesmter exams. haha. i am cheater. i am in charge of planning formal. i have to get my ass moving. my cousins father-in-law sort-of is not doing well. I might have to rush and help them out with my funeral director qualities. plus i kind of want to be there for them. i might leave class today but i dont want to get behind badly. they are at the hopsital now. kind of scary. i kind of want to go down there. i hate my life today. maybe i shoudl get food together and go down there and make them a nice lunch or something. maybe? i wont until i hear a little more from her. i feel like i should be takign action now though. think of me or pray if that is your way of life. i heart missing my boyfriend, failing exams, and being stabbed in the back by my friends. i am out. amanda Current Mood: depressed (1 Comment |Comment on this)
Friday, February 25th, 2005
10:14 am	ebola virus just took my micro exam! not too bad! i am excited! Andrew leaves tommorrow for over a week. Kind of sad. I hate it that my friend choose a boyfriend over a friend and didnt even care to talk to me about it. Thanks for ditching me and not caring about me bitch. I am mature and over the fact that she is dating this boy but it pisses me off that.....well here it is. I took time out of my life to talk to her and told her what bothered me. She told me she was friends with him an nothign more. then she is dating him and telling everyone how happy she is. THANKS FOR COMING BACK AND TELLING ME BITCH! I am so pissed off at her. obviously my friendship meant nothing to her. and i think it is really low of her to come up and pretend like she is my friend and we are close and nothign ever happened. you dont screw me over, careless about my feelings, and then try to act like nothign happened. get a life. set your priorities. dont fuck with my feelings in the process. i have to work today. that sucks. I am goign to cry. and scream. AHHHHHHHHH. i am out. Current Mood: bitchy (Comment on this)
Thursday, February 24th, 2005
12:30 pm	lethargic i wanted to update but i dont have anything to say or i have too much to say i guess. i am stressed out. i need to study. i have so many midterms. STRESS. people who you thought you were close to always screw you. i dont really know who to trust anymore. it sucks. maybe a spring break trip on the rise? should be a good time! out like i was before my damn alarm clock went off this morning. amanda Current Mood: studious (1 Comment |Comment on this)
Tuesday, February 22nd, 2005
9:49 am	pinna is another name for the ear So this weekend/week was ok. I worked on Friday and then cleaned me closets. On Saturday I enjoyed the day off of work (since I took it off and the rodeo was cancelled) and cleaned and did laundry. I then went downriver and hung out with Michelle. We went to Fuddruckers and then shopping. I bought some really cool books, a skirt, a “bedtime” outfit and maybe something else? I can’t remember. I then drove to ann arbor and went to a jazz concert with Andrew. It was bad. Real bad. The backups were too loud for the solos and the solos were boring and too long. It wasn’t very good. They played a good song in the middle and Andrew leaned over to me and said, “this is what I expected the whole concert to be like”. And at another point I looked over at him and he was wincing at the sound of the drum. Kind of funny. I had to go home Saturday night because these people were driving to my funeral home from Missouri and they needed to get in. I had no idea what time they were coming and we were expecting them to come around 11-12. I rushed home at 1130 and thought I was late. They didn’t come until like 4in the morning. I got up on Sunday and went to work. The weather was so bad. I drove home and hung out at home all night. Here comes the funny part. I ordered pizza from papa ramanos and waited for it downstairs. Waited and waited and waited. IT NEVER CAME! I called in the morning and the guy said my number was out of service and he tried to deliver it and couldn’t find my house. He said I was stupid for waiting up s long. I WAS PISSED OFF! So I am calling corporate. Yes I am. I came to class on time on Monday (which is an accomplishment) and then went to work from 1130-530. It was so stressful the whole time. We are so so so so so so so so so busy! I drove to Andrews and then studied while he was at work. He came home we watched tv, cuddled and then went to sleep. How cute. I love waking up in the morning with his arms around me. It feels so right. I got to school on time today! YES! I am in law class right now. I have an exam at 12:30 in my art class. Then I have a lab and then I am working out and then I am going to meeting. I am not going out I don’t think because I have some grief with another member and I don’t really want to speak to her for a while. I am not ready to deal with it. Hopefully home early so that I can get to school on time tomorrow! NOTE TO KID IN FRONT OF ME: It is not illegal to blow your nose! STOP SNIFFLING! Current Mood: bored Current Music: dr ladd talking and boy sniffing (1 Comment |Comment on this)
Friday, February 18th, 2005
1:54 pm	sex on a stick! that is from natalie....that is how she descibed a hot....damn! ok so many things are turning a million ways. i think things are great one minute and then the next minute they are the worst they can be. Lets start with the most drama filled thing. Friend drama. I always trust someone too much. I did it this time and I got stabbed in the back. I am goign to be adult abotu the whole thing but it doesn't mean that I am goign to jsut forget about how much it hurt me and pretend nothign happened. I dont know how to react. like one minute i think someon is my best friend and then the next minute i turn around to see them ripping my heart out of my chest. I had a good time in canada last night except for a little of the drama that is mentioned above. How can people go out of thier way to hurt you? WHY? What did i do to deserve all of this. ARGH! Andrew came out last night. I am happy with him. He is putting in a lot to the realtionship and so am I. I really think it can work really nice. I want to hang out with andrew this weekend but he doesnt want to....we dont have any weekends in the future.....it sucks. i am not goign to force him to do anything he doesnt want to but damn.....i want to just be with him. i am tired. long night at work tonight and then the rodeo tommorrow? we will see i guess. "I took that risk and I jumped ship and now I'm waving my arms drowning in the ocean while you go on saying everything I've been trying to say and now id be foolish to let you get away so stay with me awhile..." Current Mood: indescribable (Comment on this)
Wednesday, February 16th, 2005
3:19 pm	these are a few of my favorite things i went out after meeting last night. it was a good time. bonded with the girls and the new girl, amy. good times. i got up early and went to class on time. i got to school and got a phone call from my classmate tom. he and another classmate were broken down on woodward. i went and saved them (I AM A HERO) and then went to class late. i worked out and pulled many leg muscles. i dont know what is wrong with me but i can hardly walk and i have to work on my feeet all night. how sucky. going to the basketball game tommorrow with katie mac and some other girls. we are goign to body paint it up. then i am taking a shower and going to canada for rachels birthday. we should have fun but I HAVE to go to class on friday. HAVE TO. i wont see andrew this weekend i am sure. he said he was busy....which is his way of sayign he doesnt want to hang out with me. we will see. plus i am goign to MSU on saturday to see hot cowboys (and the rodeo). i love tami. nothign else needs to be said. when love is there, love is there. lol. MIDTERMS NEXT WEEK! AHHHHHHHH i have to go to work now. i just wanted to write and say how happy things are right now. I AM HAPPY. p.s. some girl in my class told me i look like i am losing weight. happiness! "cause your only as loud as the noises you make and as big as the things that you dream" Current Mood: pain because of hurt legs (2 Comments |Comment on this)
Tuesday, February 15th, 2005
11:30 am	look so fine and i really want to make you mine v day was fun. and nice. i saw andrew. went to mexican town with the girlies and andrew. he met them. it was nice. we went home and had a lot of fun ;) he drove me to school today. that felt good. i feel fat from dinner last night. i cant wait to work out today. i went to the warren community center yesterday. i love working out there. i need to concentrate on school more. especailly with midterms around the corner. no more late nights and buritos with andrew. NO NO. i am goign to give things with us a little more time....but i dont know if they are goign to work out. i guess i have negative thinking in my head. i love this boy and he makes me so happy, but there is a reason we werent together all along. i dont know if it will work now. only time will tell. meeting tonight (minus val :( ).....then home for early sleep? (i am chanting you cant go out amanda, you cant go out!) i am reading a kickass book....."devil in the details". kicks my ass. getting skinnier everyday! i am out like a hoochie on a thursday night. WAIT! i forgot to mention that i went out on sunday night for removal to chicago! awesome! easy money! "Into your heart I'll beat again Sweet like candy to my soul Sweet you rock, And sweet you roll Lost for you, I'm so lost for you" Current Mood: content (Comment on this)
Monday, February 14th, 2005
6:00 pm	death sucks remmeber when you had plans and people dying ruined them? maybe i am the wrong business if this pisses me off. i dont think i want to date andrew anymore. life is falling apart. so depressed right now. working out felt damn good today. i need to go somewhere and drive around or do something. gosh i hate feeling like this. maybe i shoudl go work out again. DAMN. amanda "if i ever get out of here....thats what im going to do" Current Mood: depressed (1 Comment |Comment on this)
Friday, February 11th, 2005
6:55 pm	is she cleaning herself right here? Here is the update on yesterdays kickass activities! Ok so I drove to Vals house and picked her and Michelle up and we went and picked up darin and tami. we proceeded to go to free bars with cheap drinks and dance the night away. lets say.....at one point michelle made me go up on this stage and i was dancing wiht a strange man.....but it was fun and i relaly let loose! we had many drinks and cheers to val and tami SINCE SHE MADE THE TOP THREE FOR WAYNE IDOL! ::::here is a round of claps for tami::::: then we took drunken michelle (protesting) to the car and went to an undisclosed location in canada. Lets just say that Tami and I really enjoy strippers. yes we do. we drove home, i had to drive to through the border and i was super scared. before we got to the border i said to everyone "i hope she doesnt check the trunk becaseu it is full of shit!" well we get up there and she asked us questions then wanted to look in my trunk. this is where fear, humor, and anxiety all became one for me. she looked, then reprimanded me for having so much junk in the trunk. "junk in my trunk" we made it home ok. i went to my cousins and crashed there super late.....i felt bad. then i skipped my first class, went to the second one, skipped a workout, then went right to work. HERE I AM NOW! Havent talked to andrew all day. he has problems with his phone...who knows how much of that is true. i start to lose more trust in him everyday. nothing seems to be real with him anymore. everythign he says changes the next day. i cant beleive him for more than an hour that somethign is true. i have to ask him everyday what is going on between us. i feel like i am on the rocks. i hate that feeling. ......i do like rum on the rocks...... i wish he would be honest, loyal, and could commit to something. Is that andrew? NO. what do i expect. jaime is seeing a girl maybe. we dont talk anymore. i feel like i am missing something. tami has brought this new sense of me out. if you are reading this tami....i am not....i just feel comfortable becsaue i told you a part of my past i havent told hardly anyone. i heart strippers. i miss kate. i am quitting my job. moving on to bigger and better bosses....i mena things! haha where will i work? i dont know! i want to go to ann arbor tongiht. i wish andrew would call. yeah right. he will call after i get home and dont want to go back out. oh well. his loss. i am out.....i shoudl be working call me if you are up to doing something! "I can't wait to see you Want to see if you still got that look in your eyes That one you had for me before we said our goodbyes And it's a shame that we got to spend our time Being mad about the same things Over and over again" Current Mood: nervous (Comment on this)
Thursday, February 10th, 2005
12:44 pm	tears and jeers haha. i love me. ok short entry. goign out for vals bday tonight. should be fun. maybe dating andrew? who knows anymore. who cares? working out a lot. I LOVE IT. please get skinny body. i have embalming lab now....SICK. i think i am going to quit my job? maybe work at the w and s or apply to kauls.....we will see. i am going into to talk to my boss tonight. if nothing changes....i will be working elsewhere. best choice. millions of miles on my leased car. damn ann arbor. i am out "you had me from hello" Current Mood: energetic (Comment on this)
Wednesday, February 9th, 2005
7:58 pm	ill say it to them all rough few days here. i am making it through though. totally. i cried more than i have in a long time yesterday and today. things make me sad when i have high dreams and then they come crashing down in a some form where i know they will never be put back together again. i love kate. i love tami. i love val. i love working out. i hate work. i hate boys. i want to watch the l word movies. maybe i am a lesbian. i am not but i still want to watch them. happy birthday val. i am tired. i am sore. i am losing wieght. i am stronger than i was yesterday. i am trying to make it through each day at a time. in my grief class we learned that grief makes people stronger. you come out further ahead after the death then before the death. is that true in the loss of the love of your life? can i be stronger? i feel like i want to break into that song "thanks for making me stronger....." even though i am not stronger yet. haha. hating every word that was said last night. "Lately i've been thinking Lately i've been dreaming with you I'm so resistent to this type of thinking Oh now it's shining through I was alone for the last time before my nights' vacation with you alive from the first now i'm denied by the ghost of you" Current Mood: let down (1 Comment |Comment on this)
Thursday, February 3rd, 2005
6:51 am	here we are the morning after? here we are. things are AWESOME RIGHT NOW! I am loving life to its fullest degree. Things I am happy about: 1. Andrew and the fact that we can have a great friendship without dating. 2. THe silent auction on Saturday. 3. How close I am getting to my sorority sisters (esp. Kate and Val) 4. The quiz I just took rocked my socks off. 5. The new prospect of dating this boy from Sigma Pi. 6. My weight loss for January (which will be higher in February). 7. My apartments new organization. 8. My parents coming down this weekend. 9. The fact that internally I have been able to face things and get over things really well. I am very proud of myself. I can deal with all the drama and bullshit in the world. 10. My car is clean. 11. I love my overnight job. It is so awesome. Cash money. Basically things are kicking ass right now. Things I am not happy about: 1. Peter- WE havent talked. I learned if he wants to talk he would have called. He didnt call. He didnt want to talk. We havent talked. I am gettting over it but inside I still have feelings for him. 2. Elly- I dont know what happened? I still have her gift......Where did she go? I heard rumors taht she thoguht I was spreading rumors abotu her boyfriend? I wish that she would have confronted me if that is the case why she isnt contacting me. 3. School Ending- I never thoguht I would say this....I dont want school to end....I am sad thinking abotu it. 4. Being fat- I am tired of being fat. I wish fats would drip off of me. LIfe would be better. Yes it would. Anyways that may be all. I am starving. What shall I eat for lunch? nothing? I dont know if I am working out today....I will decide in about an hour I guess. i have worked out for like 20 million days straight. does my body need a rest? I am bored. Kill me now. i dont really sleep anymore. i am tired. must get skinny. must earn money. "Spend your nights here We'll always be up late Keep each other on" Current Mood: cheerful (1 Comment |Comment on this)
Sunday, January 30th, 2005
1:58 pm	call and answer Ok so things are crazy in my head right now. Who am I? Who was I? Am I the same person from the past? On Friday I went to the Sigma Pi party. I had an awesome time…..chasing boys and such. I ran into a guy that I have had previous “discussions” with at Z’s. We talked and I got to know him a lot better. Seems to be pretty interesting thinking about what could happen next. He is cool and nice and I have a great appreciation for some of the things in his life. Saturday I worked (and by worked I mean took a nap, read, went to McDonalds, and went to 7-11) and then went home to clean my apartment and get ready for Andrew to come over. I have been seeing a lot of him recently. We had a great conversation about us and the way we both feel. I don’t know what to do about our relationship right now. We aren’t going to date. Can we keep having the relationship we are having? Is there something wrong with this? I feel like there is but when I am with him I feel like anything could happen in the world and I would still be the happiest person alive. I smiled so many times last night. He makes me feel wonderful when we are together but horrible when we are not. WE had a great night last night and I could bet money that we won’t talk for another week. I am confused on how I feel about it all. *NOTE: I must say that I looked really hot on Friday and on Saturday. I put a lot of time into getting ready and being sexy. Yes that is right….SEXY. Life would be much better if I didn’t get involved with boys…..I need to be lesbian…OK kidding! NO I don’t! I hung out with Kate at the party…..we had good bonding time. Valerie as well. I feel like the party made me get to know people to a better degree. Jessica Addy and I had nice talks. Emily and I had a lot of fun dancing together. Diana called me yesterday, which makes me happy. I love her…..I wish we spent more time together. I worked out on Friday, but not yesterday, I NEED to find a place to go work out today. I wonder if powerhouse gym is open? I just want one of those free trials….I am going to keep going to free trials at different gyms. I am AWESOME! 9 pounds down. That is right bitches. NINE. I feel good. The rents are coming down next weekend. Should be fun. Auction for the sorority. I am excited to see this boy on Tuesday. I feel guilty for saying that. ……Andrew……..damn! Well I better get back to working hard…I mean hardly working. haha “I think it's getting to the point where I can be myself again I think it's getting to the point where we have almost made amends I think it's the getting to the point that is the hardest part and if you call, I will answer and if you fall, I'll pick you up and if you court this disaster I'll point you home” Current Mood: blank (Comment on this)